*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
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Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
the Monday after daylight savings
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.