wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
You Might Also Like
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
“absolutely no reason at all”
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
They should give the girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
There are 3 types of guys in this world
? 1) Handsome
? 2) Lucky
? 3) Me
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.