*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
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Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Children of the corn 🌽
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
Previously On Persistence 😎
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine