Air pods looking like an angry frog
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It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.