Air pods looking like an angry frog
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Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.
Don’t talk down to me
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.