Air pods looking like an angry frog
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I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
This is the best one I’ve seen
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
my lower back watching me try to live my life
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”