Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

According to math, I’m broke

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

going to bed

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit