Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.