Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
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My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday