Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

U talkin 2 me?

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

date: i think i’ve been here before

me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant

date: i’m definitely having deja vu

me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please

Every haunted house movie:

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.

My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.

People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

Cool shirt 🙂

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back