Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
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We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
screw you
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.