Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
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*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
