Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

I like my coffee like I like my slaves.

Free, you racist.

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.