Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
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Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.