Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
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You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.