airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
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*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats