airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
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5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
🐕🍷
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week