Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

No chill.

Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you

-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

Whoa 😂

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option