Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

🤣🤣

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

oh my god

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?