Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
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I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.