Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
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HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain