Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
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accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it