Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too

ME: Thoughts and bears

NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–

ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

Seals are just dog mermaids.

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.

– My neighbor

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!

7yo: What’s the radio?

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

[on my way back to the posting caves]

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.