Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
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Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
My favorite farside!!
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.