Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.