Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
You Might Also Like
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
What’s your superpower?
Spiderman: ummm, parkour.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4