Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
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I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.