Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
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Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.