Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
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“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
True freaking story!
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread