Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
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If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.