Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
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If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.