Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
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my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
lmao
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.