Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

My neopet probably thinks I’m dead

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this