Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?

me: hey give that back 🙁

[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

the pigeons are already plenty salty

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.