Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[looks into a mirror]

Well. That can’t be right.

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

In space, no one can hear…

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

The photographer’s assistant

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend