Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

A small tragedy.

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you