Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.

I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink

Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫