airing out the snack pack
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Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?