airing out the snack pack
You Might Also Like
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.