[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
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I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”