Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

omg leave her alone

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.

*pronounces UPS like yoops

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.