Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore

Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you