Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?