Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

is this meant to deter me

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.