Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

I came this close!!!!

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: But i thought we were happy

Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me

Me: You leave eclair bear out of this

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

Him: I’m a morning person

Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.