Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
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I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”