Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
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I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
new wife guy just dropped
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
is this store having a stroke wtf
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous