Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
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Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.