Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
You Might Also Like
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.