Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
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Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Tony Hawk, age 6
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years