airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
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The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with