airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
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husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Birds & Planes.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?