airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
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Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
You have been warned.
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
This a good idea
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.