airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
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[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
wut hotdog?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.