airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
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I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I’m too immature for adultery.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers