Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

Catering service

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

ㅤ

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

What do you call a moose with no name?

Anonymoose

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.