Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
You Might Also Like
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Looking at a set of 4 placemats on sale for $60.00 from a popular cooking supplies store, “oh you got jokes”
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Why soy sad?
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
