Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
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Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Mornin
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours