Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

fourth time’s the charm

No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee