Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”
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social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
We’ve come full circle
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.