Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
