airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
You Might Also Like
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*