Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

this is the best interaction on twitter

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me

can’t talk my ride’s here

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

*checks Timeline*…

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.