Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

*gets crushed by a bus*

*checks to see if phone is intact*

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know