Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
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Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.