Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
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Not even remotely sorry.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
*exercises sarcastically*
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.