Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
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One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.