Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.

His new catchphrase?

“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]

God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

WORD: wanna see paste options?

ME: no it’s fine

WORD: but check out these paste options

ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it

WORD: 🙁

ME: fine there I looked now move the box

WORD: 🙂

ME: it’s still there

WORD: which was your favorite 😐

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.

The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.