Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

“you changed” bro i was 15

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

Haha good job!!

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

There are usually two types of merchants.

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?

Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.