Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

[My first day as an architecture major]

*raises hand*

When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really

My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

*playing hide & seek with my group*

5: I’m only going to count to ten

Me: why?

5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer