Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

🍂🕷️🍂

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.

Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”