airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
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It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
