Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
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Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Me too, bag. Me too….
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
My toxic trait is consistently cutting off the resealable part of the bag of frozen vegetables.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
