Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you

PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!

[at a job fair]

Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.